Constructive And Destructive Ideas Within The Marriage

There are many harmful thought patterns that can quickly bring a loving relationship to its knees. Understanding these thought patterns will go far in saving a loving relationship and helping a couple to cope with whatever life has to throw at them.

In part two of our current series, we’ve explored and expanded on 3 destructive mental frames of mind that can completely derail a person’s perception of their spouse.

A destructive frame of mind can quickly result in a complete disruption of marital bliss. It can cause irreparable damage to any intimate relationship. The sooner it’s recognized, the sooner a couple can begin to repair the situation and focus on what really matters, one another and the relationship.

It’s vital that you recognize such harmful mental frames of mind and avoid them in order to improve your communication and keep the peace. Here are three of the more common fractured mental frames of mind that have no place in any loving relationship.

1. Black And White

Here, a person sees everything in black and white. There is no middle ground. This is very destructive and can easily destroy a perception of a partner or spouse.

How It Works ?

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A prime example of black and white is when you believe that the other person’s actions are either all good or all bad. You believe that when things are going well the person is all good. When things are going bad, you believe that they are all bad.

This frame of mind forgets that we are all multifaceted and it forgets complexities of life. It leaves out emotion, motivation and desire. It’s not realistic or possible to put anyone into only these two categories.

2. Builder Of Horrors

Fantasizing about horrible truths. These “truths” are the builders of horrors. Instead of believing logic, the person is believing in the “what if’s” of life. They dream up every negative scenario possible and focus on that instead of reality. Good examples are as follows:

“He’s 20 minutes late for dinner. Perhaps he has a mistress or it’s the girl at the office”.

“She’s no interested in listening to me. I’m sure she just wants to be on her own and have a divorce. She just needs a better job and she won’t need me anymore.”

“He was a complete slob and now he is all neat and tidy. He bought new clothes, takes showers regularly and I’m sure he’s leaving me for someone better than me.”

How Such Statements And Beliefs Are Harmful ?

These types of statements are made without any discussion. They are based on behaviors that are taken out of context and twisted into a scenario that rarely is reality. They begin the fall of doomsday thinking.

The Potential Damage

This puts one partner into a victim’s mindset. It disrupts the harmony in the relationship and it bolsters the imagination into pain and suffering. The truth is, it’s all in the imagination. Without any “evidence” there’s never a reason for such faulty reasoning. It reframes the reality and puts the responsibility on the wrong thought.

3. Fantasies Of Responsibility And Control

One of the most common destructive thoughts is believing that one person is in control of everything. They believe that they are responsible for the happiness, well being and everything else in the spouses life.

Do you feel responsible if your spouse isn’t happy?

Married couples are responsible for many things however, there is a fine line here. They should never have a God complex that puts one person in control of everything.

If a husband is depressed, it’s not necessarily the wives fault. She may be working overtime to keep the bills paid and he may feel guilty, that’s not her fault.

Let’s analyze this. The husband can do things to help while his wife is working overtime. He could make dinner or clean up or something so that he feels less guilty and she sees that he appreciates her extra effort.

This distortion is very harmful as it can create undue stress. It can also create frustration and guilt that shouldn’t be there.

There are many times when roles are reversed and as long as the couple is fine with this it should be fine with reality. It’s not necessarily one person’s fault. Jobs are lost or there are cutbacks. No matter how irrational a situation may seem, there is always a solution and no one should feel guilty and angry over the situation.

Relationships are a delicate balance. Learning to balance the relationship will go far in helping a couple cope with the ups and downs of life.

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