How are systems and schemes created within a marriage?
If we don’t take the time to create our own behavioral schemes and systems within our marriage, how then are we to live in harmony and survive all of the challenges that marriage has for us?
There are many happily married couples who have found wonderful solutions to all of the potential issues that marriage can challenge us with, they even thrive and grow together within the relationship.
While there are no tried and true methods for designing an ideal marriage, there are some good ways to go about it.
Creating a good system that works will take two people. It must be done together. There aren’t any shortcuts or secrets when it comes down to creating and designing the perfect marriage.
A good and solid system for a healthy marriage will look something like this:
1. It will put feedback at the center of all issues.
2. It will be nurturing and supportive at all times.
3. It will keep both of the parties on equal footing.
4. It will base value upon fairness at all times.
5. It will recognize that each individual has their own needs and interests in the relationship as well as their own strengths and weaknesses within the relationship.
6. It will center issues on finding a solution not who is at fault.
7. It won’t abandon one person in favor of another.
8. It will always reinforce good behavior and address bad behavior. No matter how challenging it may be.
These characteristics are ideal however, it can be very challenging to follow such a plan.
It’s typical for any good marriage to have a flawed system. What’s important is to recognize that we are constantly growing and learning from one another. It’s important to change that which should be changed and accept that which cannot be changed.
When couples are willing to compromise or change something, there is always hope for the relationship.
Sadly, it takes a lot of courage to be willing to compromise and be willing to change something. It takes a lot of inner strength. Many couples have rather distorted marriage schemes in order to keep the peace.
There is a huge difference between peaceful and quiet.
Peaceful is nurturing and loving with some care added in as an extra measure. Growing alongside one another and being a strong support structure is also vital to the marriage itself.
Peace means that you can go home and know that this is where you belong without a doubt.
Quiet, on the other hand, basically means that two people are simply coexisting in order to avoid or ignore one another.
In fact, one couple stated that this is far superior to wanting to grab one another by the throat on a nightly basis. There’s quiet, but this isn’t the right kind of quiet to be seeking.
How Is Your Marriage?
If you’re feeling like trouble is brewing in your marriage, you may have a negative scheme or system in place. Here are some typical ones that I’ve run across.
1. Linear Scheme: This is a one-sided line in which one of the participants is more vested in the relationship. The other one will rely heavily on their “expertise” in order to maintain the relationship. However, they won’t participate or help out more than necessary. One of the couple is very highly dependent upon the other person in the couple.
Not only is this linear, it’s also circular as well. With no foreseeable end, this is an action and reaction pattern that is never ending. There is no beginning or end to the situation.
2. Equilibrium: This relationship may be positive or negative or it may alternate. Many of these couples resort to ignoring the faults and criticisms and just maintaining the relationship.
They play “you can’t touch me” or “sticks and stones…”. The truth is, they are hurting so badly that they are pretending it doesn’t affect them when in fact they are lying to themselves.
This couple has created and built thick walls in order to continue with the facade of their marital bliss. They are hurting and the truth is, they need to break down these barriers and communicate with one another.
Only when the communication lines are open will they be able to sit down and solve their issues. This is painful and may lead to other issues but for a healthy relationship, it’s a must. Unresolved issues will be larger when they aren’t dealt with in the present.