Can you improve your marriage by choosing to recreate systems that are no longer working?
Schemes or predetermined types of behavior are created to design a balance in a relationship. There are a variety of schemes that are more harmful than good in a relationship.
In order to fix a marriage, you have to see what the problems are and be willing to change.
What Negative Systems Destroy A Marriage?
A marriage that is full of discord and pain may seem impossible to repair. It’s easy to feel trapped in a pattern that has seemingly taken on a life of its own in the relationship. With diligence and hard work it can be done.
Here are some examples of patterns that are more harmful than good for a marriage. If you’re in one of these it may be what is causing your marriage harm.
1. Strict Roles: It’s typical for couples to take over specific roles in a relationship. These roles are increased when kids come along. This is when parents are juggling many responsibilities.
While this is healthy and normal, it is also challenging. Often one of the couple feels that it’s all on them to do specific responsibilities. This can be challenging and a struggle for the person who feels that they are the one that must ensure something gets done.
Are You Happy In This Role?
If you’re the one with the role that is struggling, you’re likely not happy. You will begin to feel fatigued and stressed if you’re the one that all the responsibility is falling upon. You’re performing roles that are far beyond your realm and you are feeling trapped by the responsibility and the marriage.
A healthy relationship is more flexible and the roles are less stressful. Especially if the roles involve children and earning money.
What Causes The Most Trouble?
Both fixed and rigid assignments within a relationship can cause conflict. The fact is, people become weary of being the only one to be responsible.
It’s vital to recognize that you must ease your spouse’s burdens and keep your burdens in check as well. Both of you should be happy within your specific roles in the marriage.
2. Contending Interests: If two people have to contend with such situations, one will begin to feel that they need to chase the other for support. The other will feel that they are being pressured into doing what they don’t want to do. It’s a no-win situation.
If for example, the husband wants to invent things at home, and the wife prefers to visit a museum the wife may begin to chase the husband to get him to come with her.
The husband may begin to feel as if he is trapped and pressured by demands and he may distance himself even further. The wife may feel alone and try even harder and he may go even farther. It’s a tough situation to be in.
3. Endless Blaming: Many people have a desire to blame anyone but themselves. As the endless blame continues, the married life is anything but bliss. It’s a difficult situation in which the other party gets all the joy and the one party is feeling all the pain.
Often one party is unaware of how the other party feels. It’s reinforced by the one party providing criticism that is met with placation.
4. Overcompensation: This is typical in marriages. One of the parties often has more responsibility than the other. This is very unbalanced and one of the spouses will do little to help balance it out.
This is very cyclical and overcompensates into not dealing with why it’s happening in the first place. It will take lots of energy as well as time and often money to deal with this issue. It’s not an easy one to deal with and it didn’t happen overnight.
If you’re overcompensating, ask yourself why? Why you’re the one that is putting up with everything while others are out getting the benefits. Many will say that they just thought it should be this way while others will be upset. There is a good reason that it wound up this way and it will take some unraveling to get to the root core of the situation. It’s important to deal with the root cause of the situation and work through it before allowing it to destroy the relationship as a whole. It will take some effort on both parts to unravel this mystery and focus on the recovery of the situation.