How can couples reignite the process of peaceful communications in their marriages?
The true test of a person’s character is how they tactfully encounter the joys and pitfalls of married life.
At various intervals there will be moments that nerves are strained, tempers ignited and you may surge with feelings of getting very aggressive with your spouse.
Many wonder if this is a normal circumstance?
From my experience, I have found that it is perfectly natural for two people who must live and interact with each other day in and day out to experience this impatience.
It is perfectly normal to have feelings of anger and impatience when the things you are attempting don’t pan out as you’d like, nevertheless, it is not “normal” to use verbal attacks in an effort to undermine your spouse to the point that you feel urged to “win” an argument.
What is the “boiling point” to be wary of?
When you begin to see your spouse as your enemy, this is a good point to stop and take a moment to review what has happened in your relationship up to this point.
I am aware that this can be a tough call, especially because it means you must honestly and fairly examine something while your emotions are boiling over. This is a mental discipline, by carefully examining your relationship you will gain a better idea of how it can be repaired if you notice these issues are becoming more constant.
Can communication save your marriage?
The strongest support that can keep a troubled marriage strong and flourishing is communication.
Some people think that talking gets you know where, this is completely false. While I will readily admit there is a huge difference between talking and truly communicating.
Good communication is the strongest possible support for a troubled marriage.
People often say that talking gets people nowhere. This is certainly not true! However, I will admit that there is a difference between merely talking and actually communicating with someone.
If your words are bouncing off closed ears and an unreceptive mind, this is not communicating by any definition, this is essentially just talking — and will accomplish nothing.
True communication is a two-way street, which means that there are two parties actively listening, responding with relevant feedback and committed to a mutually beneficial resolution.
The best way to cultivate this high-quality type of communication, it is essential to set some guidelines for your communication at all times.
1. Don’t Summon the Ghosts
Using the shortcomings and errors of another person’s history as a way to bolster your argument is not only a cheap shot, it is ultimately counterproductive and will make the other person feel defensive and miserable.
No one wants to be reminded of how they goofed-up and made wrong decisions, if you continuously bring up history to make yourself sound better, you will make the communications very confused.
This is not to say there is not a time place and way to bring up a person’s past actions that can be tactfully applied in an effort to help a person with personal improvement. But you must understand the very big difference between this and “mudslinging”.
2. Shoot Straight – Shoot Clean
When angry, worried or anxious it is difficult to “line up the sights” and keep our communications free from confusing emotions. This often leads to various lines of communication being loaded into one message, this very confusing message is often a way of its target and misunderstood.
Imagine a woman who is beginning to feel slightly abandoned by her husband who regularly spends time out drinking with the guys after work. She responds by saying “You’ve certainly been relaxed every night!”
The husband who just walked in, very relaxed and slightly inebriated, may not pick up on this very subtle signal that she is could be getting upset, and dismisses the comment. Of course, she might interpret this as a lack of interest in her statement of disapproval — which is how she meant it.
Yet it is easy to see how the ambiguous nature of her comment was easily misunderstood.
This would have been a more effective way for this woman to react to her feelings that her husband’s drinking with the guys might be going too far. “I’ve noticed that you have been drinking heavily and regularly over these past two months (a factual observation). This heavy drinking makes me feel that maybe you don’t want to spend time with the kids or me (a personal feeling). We sure would appreciate your company around the house after work (the request).
What if you don’t like giving such clear messages?
I often run into a particular spouse who thinks that communications can be more subtle and would like their spouse to pick up on “the signals” to understand deeper meanings to their words, even if they were somewhat cryptic.
I always tell these people to consider putting these notions aside in the interest of cultivating a solid relationship based on good communication. Once this has been well established, it will be more natural to catch on to each the subtle signals of the other person.