How do defenses impact a marriage?
Even the best marriages can be painful sometimes. A marriage is more than a close relationship. When couples are married, they are exposing all of their strengths and flaws to a person they care about.
This can make people feel extremely vulnerable. People naturally put up walls to protect themselves. When you become close to another person, those walls are slowly torn down.
Why causes people to put up defenses?
The primary reason that people build defensive walls is to feel more secure in their marriage. Humans tend to be very complex.
People don’t just want to be a part of a relationship; they need to be able to have specific needs fulfilled by this relationship.
Because people are so complex, they may put up walls and use defensive techniques even when they want to be closer to their significant other. This cause causes someone to become dangerously detached from their own marriage.
Even if a person is physically a part of the relationship, that does not mean that they are there emotionally. Many people run away from the realities of marriage. This can cause the other person in the relationship to feel as though they have been abandoned completely. This pattern can continue for a number of years.
How do our defenses work?
Defenses are something that we construct ourselves.
People use their personal defenses to ensure that they will not be able to be hurt by others.
It’s only natural for a person to want to protect themselves. Defenses are a part of that. People often feel as though they are fighting against their own instincts when they try to tear down their emotional walls.
However, unlike other creatures in the animal kingdom, humans do not have to be ruled by their instincts. They can evaluate the situation and go against their own instincts when it makes sense for them to do so.
Even if someone has damaged their relationship through the use of defensive walls, they can fix those problems as long as they are willing to take some of those defenses down.
Taking down your defenses is not as challenging as it might seem, especially if your marriage and spouse are important to you.
Why should you be willing to let down your defenses?
As I said before, one of the reasons that people put up defenses is because they are afraid they will be hurt. This is something that couples need to pay close attention to. If your spouse is putting up defensive walls, they aren’t doing it because they do not want to be close to you. They are doing it because they are afraid that you will hurt them.
A person needs to take care of themselves and communicate that hurt or those fears to their partner. From there, the couple can work to resolve the issue. There are two things that can happen as a result of putting up defenses.
1. They limit the amount of pain that you will feel in your relationship.
2. They keep our values and beliefs safe but damage our marriage in the process.
Putting up defenses can damage a marriage in a very significant way. When you are closed off from your spouse, there might not be enough of you left to keep the marriage alive.
How can defenses harm a marriage?
If you are always putting up defenses and pulling away from your partner, your marriage is going to be damaged. If you don’t explain things to your partner or makeup with them later, they may wind up putting up walls of their own.
Here are a few of the many ways defenses can damage a relationship.
1. They can make a couple feel completely alienated from each other, or as if they don’t know each other anymore.
2. They can damage the intimacy of the marriage, which is one of the foundations of any healthy relationship.
3. They can keep people from understanding what they really think or feel.
People who put up defenses are deceiving both themselves and their spouse. They’re convincing people they feel one thing when they actually feel another.
4. The overuse of defenses can cause a person to feel as though they’ve been abandoned.
When your spouse feels abandoned, they may no longer be able to trust you. When you get married, you make a commitment to another person. When you put up defensive walls, you’re setting that commitment aside for the sake of your own emotions.